Somehow I’m always capable of turning some of the best and happiest days into having a shitty ending.

And the only person it ends up being shitty for is me because I let certain feelings take over and I just say what I want to say. Sometimes I wish I could just shut myself up and care less, but I don’t. I always say I won’t do these things, but I do and I guess that’s just who I am.

I’m sorry for the potentially hurtful things I say. Maybe there’s part of me that’s subconsciously sabotaging what I have because I feel like somewhere down the line it’s going to fall apart because it’s almost impossible to believe this person could want to remain in my life for forever.

I really don’t know, all I can say is love makes people do stupid things, say stuff that makes them sound foolish, and hurt others when in actuality they are the person that’s the most precious. It’s a strange strange thing.

Why have my favorite celeb couples been breaking up latel?

First Katy P and Russel, and now Seal and Heidi Klum? They were one of my favorite mixed relationships, and they have such beautiful kids. I guess sometimes you feel like you just can’t work things out and there’s no where else to go from here.

As long as my relationship is good, strong, and happy I will be thankful for that. Danny and I talked more about moving in together this weekend. It seems like he’s wanting it more now than he was the first time we talked about it over the summer. I brought up how he said he didn’t want to do it unless he thought it would work, and he said he didn’t remember saying that, but he does think it would work.

We both are thinking after I graduate from school in about another year and a half. I think that’s enough time to make sure we both want it and feel ready and I wouldn’t be able to contribute much to rent at this point. I don’t even know if I’ll have a job right after graduation, but I’m hoping for the best.

I’ve seen friends move in with their boyfriends too fast and I’ve seen how it changes your relationship. I know it’s not just a fun sleepover every night. We’ve been together for two years so I don’t feel like it’s too fast, just moving in with a boyfriend is a big milestone to me and something I see as a big deal. Still makes me feel good inside knowing it’s something he wants and likes to think about :)

These next two weeks have the potential to feel really long because I don’t know if I’m going to get to see him next weekend since he’s going down to SIU for Polar Bear. Since my internship is no longer on Fridays, it’s now on Wednesdays, I may get to go. *Fingers crossed* I’ve never ventured down to SIU or that part of Illinois, so it’ll be an adventure. A crazy drunken adventure.

Have a good week followers.

Late night random post

I just need to stay relaxed and remember to take things one day at a time. It’ll feel good to be in Chicago again and see my roommates and how they’re doing, but I’m not really looking forward to the work load that’s coming. Maybe it won’t be as bad as I think. Getting straight A’s this past semester definitely gave me a confidence boost that I can do it.

My boyfriend and I ended up getting into a chat tonight about me heading back to school and the certain things going on in my head that were causing me to feel anxious. There’s a few things we have been getting into arguments about lately, so we also talked out our feelings on that. They’re usually centered around the same issues, and I was really open with him about things that have happened in the past that I think cause me to react a certain way now. I didn’t always get upset about the things I do now, but after being with someone for awhile and developing stronger feelings and attachments, your emotions take a hold of you in a different way than they used to and usually there’s nothing you can do about it.

It was a really good talk though, we were both honest about the way we felt and talked maturely about ways we can make things better. Neither of us feel any differently about the other, and still know being together is what we want & what makes us the most happy.

I’m done rambling now. I’m expecting there to be a decent amount of snow when I wake up tomorrow. 2012 has felt like Spring so far, it’s been weird, but I’ve enjoyed it.

Tis’ the season to be jolly, not stressful.

My boyfriend and I have been arguing quite often lately and it’s been making us both really upset. We’re not perfect and it’s not that we never fight, but it’s not like us to do it often. I think this semester with me going away obviously put more stress on our relationship then we’ve ever had, and I think for me personally, just dealing with missing him and being frustrated about not being able to see him, that would cause me to act out a little more. (By act out, I mean have an attitude when I don’t need to have one) Sometimes for me it’s easier to act mad than be sad and tell him I miss him; I start to get annoyed with myself after doing that so much.

But since I’ve been home for break (it’s only been like 5 days) we’ve gotten into some type of argument/had an attitude with each other almost every day. Last night it happened again and he got so frustrated it almost brought him to tears and I hate seeing my baby like that. I don’t like knowing that he’s hurt. He felt like nothing we were doing was making me happy and that I was acting like I didn’t want to do anything, and I tried explaining that I got stressed out while xmas shopping because I spent probably almost $200 and I’m already stressed about money as it is. And then during dinner with my family, once again they get into a discussion about politics and football (my two least favorite topics), and then I don’t even know. I guess the way I was responding to all that really frustrated him. But we talked it out, and I apologized for the vibes I was giving off.

He promised that he loves me as much as he did before, that him and I are okay and he still wants to be together, and I’m not losing him. It’s just hard when we are going through a rough patch because when things are good with us, they’re really great. It’s just not like us to argue this much. I’m still happy to say though that we don’t have blowout fights that consist of yelling at each other, we’ve never sworn each other, or called each other names. Except for that one night after a wedding where I was way too drunk and he threw cold water on me and I over-exaggerated and called him a douche & an asshole. I said it after going in the bathroom, but he still heard me. That didn’t go so well, but nothing like that has ever happened again.

Maybe it’s the stress of the holidays. My parents are pretty stressed out, especially my dad. His medical bills are piling up and their insurance isn’t even paying for half of it, so he’s trying to find other ways to come up with money. It just makes me feel more pressure to do well in school and it makes me feel guilty for wanting an Iphone 4s for Christmas, and going to an expensive college. I wish there was more that I could do.

Danny says he wishes he could give me his peace of mind, and I wish he could too. I don’t remember always being such a stressed out person. I think I just feel like there’s constantly pressure coming at me from all angles. Pressure to succeed in the world, pressure with being a woman in general, fear of falling even more in love with my boyfriend & it not ending the way I dream, fear for my father’s health and my parents being financially stable, fear of the future of the world and what our future will be.

I know all of these things are essentially out of my control. I need to live in the moment and enjoy what’s happening right in front of me. Every day I tell myself these things and I know I have so much to be grateful and thankful for. I just can’t let myself get lost in all the bullshit of the world because when it comes down to it, it’s not that stuff that matters. It’s the holidays and I just want to be happy and enjoy the time with my family, friends, and love.

Does anyone else ever get this way? I know I’m not the only one, but feel free to share your stories or feelings too in my inbox.

My boyfriend & I’s 2 year anniversary is in exactly one month!

Eeee I wish I could see him today!

Just two more to go.

“One and Only”—Adele

You’ve been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it’s taking me so long
To let my doubts go
You’re the only one that I want

I don’t know why I’m scared, I’ve been here before
Every feeling, every word, I’ve imagined it all,
You never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I’m worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I’m the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

Us

Him: You couldn’t not love me if you tried
Her: Yeah you’re probably right..
Him: I couldn’t not love you either though.
Her: You really think you couldn’t even if you tried?
Him: No, I think I’ll always love you. Even in the future, if ours isn’t together, I think I’ll still always love you.

*huge uncontrollable smile stretches across face*

Anniversary :)

It’s Danny and I’s year and a half anniversary today!  I remember this day last year, him and I had really just started getting close to each other and really opening up.  We had a fun little date going out for pizza.  Tonight we’re going to go to Dave and Busters.  Neither of us have gone there before, but have heard it’s a lot of fun.  I’m hoping it’s kind of like Funway for older people, and you get to drink so that’s always a plus. 

I’m just so grateful to have him in my life.  He has become one of my best friends, and I didn’t always use to feel that way about him.  It wasn’t up until the past few months that I’ve realized that he’s one of the few people I completely trust,  I tell him everything, we’re always texting each other, whether it’s important or just random stuff about our day.  He continues to show he cares about me and fully accepts everything I am. 

Love ya babe.

John Fante

(I just came across this quote in the new book I’m reading)

To write one must love,
and to love one must understand.